“Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity"
In our family it is LOUD and more often than not, everyone is talking at the same time in an effort to get their voice heard. Whether its Mason asking for help on his homework, Ellie wanting me to watch her dance, Addie needing me to care for her "baby" doll, or Oliver wanting me to hold him, someone always seems to want something around here. It is not uncommon to have one, or all four children, crying or throwing some sort of tantrum. It can be stressful and noisy, and often times I find myself shouting at them for screaming and crying. Basically throwing a grown up tantrum myself. Sometimes I even have to lock myself on time out because I know that I need to get myself in check, even more than the kids do. There has been a lot of this nonsense happening in our house for the past two months as Tommy's schedule has been demanding, work with Carrie Flower has increased, and the kids have been sick. It leaves me single parenting while trying to juggle a business that I work from home on. My patience has been worn thinner than thin.
I was able to rally the kids to attend church a week or two ago, and man am I glad that I did! The sermon was one that was particularly important for me to hear. Our minister was remarking on how the greatest way to show love is not to say "I love you." but instead to say "I hear you." All we all want to do is to be heard. No matter how old we are, we just want our voice heard. We want to be understood and being understood in turn helps us feel loved. It was so simple, but so powerful Shortly after the service Addie was screaming about wanting to put her pajamas on and I shouted back saying, "No its not time to put our pajamas on!" which in turn made her scream louder. I stopped my shouting, lowered my voice, and I said "I hear what you want to do is put your pajamas on. Why do you want to do that now?" She immediately stopped crying and started TALKING to me about the fact that she was tired, cold, and wanted to feel cozy in her pajamas. It was amazing how quickly she was able to calm down and talk to me once she knew that I was truly listening to her needs.
I have started using this technique with the kids when they are having trouble controlling their anger or throwing a tantrum. I repeat back what they are screaming by saying calmly " I hear that you want to drive your car." "I hear that you need help with your homework." "I hear that you want to go outside." Once I let them know that I can understand them and their needs, they immediately calm down. The crying stops and we are able to start a dialogue. It is not a perfect system. But it is helping all of us get calm quicker and get to the root of our issues. I have realized that its even what I feel frustrated about when I fight with Tommy sometimes. I don't feel like he is understanding my issues and I think that he doesn't think that I can hear what he has to say. We have started the "I hear you.." in our fights and it really helps to understand each other, or at the very least helps control and limit the argment time. It has even helped with manners. When the kids say “I want a water.” I have started to reply “I hear that you want a water. Can you please try to ask for that in a more polite way?” Even Oliver uses the sign for “please” when i ask for manners!
Thanks for following along on this ride.
Xo
Kirby
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