Choosing Kindness

It has been two weeks since the kids have been back to school.  It already feels like the summer was another lifetime ago.  It is funny how when the school year ends, I am scared for the summer.  How am I going to entertain everyone, all day everyday?  How will I do enough fun activities that they will remember forever?  How will I keep the babies on their nap schedule?  Then as the summer ends, I find myself feeling so sad that everyone is going back and our family is spending our days apart from one another.

This year, in particular, I find myself really struggling with the regret and the fear of missing all of this as they grow.  Having a very active, strong willed, three year old who takes every ounce of my patience, and a one year old who will climb any obstacle that you put in front of him, makes for some long days with little reprieve.  Oliver still wakes during the night,  Addison has night terrors, Ellie even wakes up sometimes to come in bed with me... Most mornings I wake up exhausted.  I find myself longing for the future when they will sleep and when I can have some of my life back.  At the exact same time I long for that, I find myself fearing missing them as babies.  I already look back at pictures and feel a huge pit in my stomach and find myself reaching out to hold them back at that time.  The irony of it all is probably at the time I took the photo I was over the day with them, longing for the future.  How do you stay in the moment, not take it all too seriously, and realize that this is all part of the journey?  How do you appreciate it all?

I wish I could go back and tell myself to calm down with Mason.  I remember being so strict with him.  Trying to discipline right (I didn't want a bratty child).  I had to keep the perfect schedule for him (nap every day at 1.  in bed at 8!).  I remember loosing my mind when he had a tantrum.  I remember screaming at him.  I remember grabbing his arm and taking him home from the park for acting like...a three year old.. when he was THREE!  I remember rushing bedtime.  I remember thinking way too much what other people thought about me as a mother.  I have learned a lot in my time with Mason.  I have learned to let go of perfection and to be much more easy going, but I still have still have a long way to go. 

Addison takes every ounce of my patience.  She is strong willed.  She is smart as all hell.  She is non stop.  She does not give me any sort of break.  She literally sits outside my bathroom door when I'm in there.  She will just undress and come into the shower with me without warning.  She wants to help me with every single step of the laundry.  And when she is quiet and I think that maybe, MAYBE she is occupied for a minute, she is actually just coloring, gluing, and painting the walls.  She is a lot like Mason was (is) and I now I may remember why I lost my patience so often with Mason.  She also extra difficult because Elizabeth has always been so calm and easy.  She rarely had tantrums.  She slept well (still does!).  She has always been a  peaceful person to be around.  Addison is going to make for something truly amazing one day!  I'm sure of it!  But parenting her takes so much out of me, its hard to find the extra love she needs and craves.  How do I keep myself from the regret of how I acted and how do I appreciate this time?  I know that I won't remember how hard this time was.  But I will remember her sweet face.  Her voice.  The way she wraps her arms so tighly around my neck.  The way she puts her head next to mine with her face in my face as I lay with her.  The way she smiles at me as falls asleep.  I already miss her and she's still here in her three year old body.  This is the fear I feel while at the exact same time that I count the minutes until bedtime.  How do I enjoy it all and not rush it?

After much reflection, I have come to the conclusion that I will miss this life regardless. It is like anything else in life, you miss what you don't have anymore.   But I want to look back on the time with fullness in my heart.  I want to know that I raised these amazing people with kindness and patience, and that they always felt loved by me.  I am making the conscious effort to wake up every day (despite how sleep deprived I am) and see the GOOD in the day.  I'm learning that I can't do it all and that life with children doesn't come with instructions.  I'm letting the laundry stay folded in piles and not get put away.  I'm laying with the kids when they need me to fall asleep.  I'm letting Oliver sleep in my bed.  I'm packing a cookie with their lunch.  I'm letting them wear whatever they want.  Its O K if  my budding artist fills the wall with color (that's what magic eraser is for).  If the naps happen, that's great!  If not, that's ok too.   This time is so sacred, and short, and I'm certain that I will remember these good times (like our "epic summer" as Ellie calls it).  I will miss them and that I will long for them, but I want to look back without regret.  I want to know that I loved them the best that I could, and that every stage had challenges and had beauty, but I'm choosing to see the good.  I'm choosing kindness for the Bris Bunch.

"The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice." -Peggy O' Mara

Thanks for following along as I navigate this amazing journey.
xo,
Kirby